hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
