I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
