what day is it and did you see me today?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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