Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
