Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
