you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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