the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
