I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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