I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
