I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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