mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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