I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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