I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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