Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
