Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
