Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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