I wish my penis had an off switch
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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