my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
