So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
