girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
