matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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