I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
