Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You made out with two different species that night
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
