I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
