her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I skipped work to stalk him.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
