Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
