chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have aggressive nipples.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
