I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
