Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
