No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize