i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Green mimosas i think yes
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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