The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
