You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
