literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
