Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize