dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
