Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
