I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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