new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
