Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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