Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
