I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just googled if crying burns calories
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize