he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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