How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
