I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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