Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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