On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
