Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
