I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize