its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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