What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I need to calm my uterus...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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