just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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