I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
