you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
