i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
