First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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