I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
