WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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