After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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