all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
