I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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